God, have my heart

God, have my heart

For the past few months I’ve been holding back on completing the ‘matters of the heart’ series because I wanted to fully write about the experience of giving my heart to God. I’ve been thinking of ways that I can take you along the journey.  As I started thinking of ways that I can encourage you to give your hearts to God and why you should. I remembered that my life is a testimony to the transformation that takes place when you make Jesus your Lord and saviour. I will try my best to keep this as short as possible:

Since the beginning of 2021 my goal was to get out of the pit. For those of you that don’t understand what the pit is; it is a dark hole you feel you’re in when you’re dealing with depression and anxiety [ this is not the scientific term for it]. It was just a description I used to make people understand what it feels like to have this crippling illness. 

With several attempts to start all over and be a better version of myself. The first step I had to take was acknowledge my pain, my mess, my weaknesses and mistakes. If God was to work on my heart, I needed to identify what needed change. I won’t go into too much detail about that but I took the time out to reflect and write down the areas in my life that need work. The next step was recognising that I too had to put in the work. There are areas that I needed to change. I wrote and prayed over those weaknesses, and starting looking for ways to make them my strengths.

It all started with making little changes, from my thoughts to little habits that will help me to achieve my goal. With every goal set in motion, there will be obstacles. Life will throw unexpected moments at us. We all need to prepare for a life that we are not prepared for. There is nothing that we can plan that can change the future that has already been established. This is where the process of surrender takes places. Here’s a little story of how the unexpected happened and I wasn’t prepared: at the beginning of the year, I had a vision of how I wanted my year to look like. With another year added to my life, this was another year added to my walk with God and my journey as a Christian. This means that the things I may have struggled with in the past were not going to be a problem anymore. Moving forward in my faith required me to leave certain things behind, including giving up a lifestyle that no longer served me and was holding me back from living this “picture perfect Christian life” that I thought I needed to maintain and to qualify as a Christian, now granted that there is a certain lifestyle that does not represent Jesus, it is important to acknowledge that you need to represent Christ in whatever environment you’re placed in. After the first month of trying to be perfect, all hell broke loose and before I knew it, I was back in the party scene, while still maintaining a relationship with God, that was eventually pushed to the backseat because the honest truth is, you cannot serve two masters. You cannot serve both God and your flesh. One will die and that’s why it is important to not feed the distraction, but rather water what gives you life. During this time, I went through a heartbreak that really pushed me to be selfish and prioritize my own happiness. The adrenaline of doing whatever I wanted to do without caring about the effects it had on the people around me started getting to my head and oh boy, what a drug. It started off as something I needed to do for myself but eventually it became something I needed to stay numb and not go into a pit. With so many attempts to keep my head above water, I had to admit that I was fully back into the party scene and I didn’t feel guilty about it. For the first time in a long time, I felt alive. I felt free, I felt like I was finally done putting on a façade and truly started to live a happy life. Although the partying life has its consequences it broke down walls that I never knew were there. The fear to live out my freedom started to shed off. Yes, scripture does suggest that you need to not abuse your freedom and don’t use it as an excuse to do bad, but rather use your freedom to do good and use it as opportunity to devote your life to God but how could I devote my heart and life to God, if I wasn’t willing to trust him with my life and future. I had no idea what I was doing and I had to come back and return home.  With the events of starting a business, during this difficult time, it taught me to give up what I had in mind for my life and really surrender my life to the already existing plan that God had in mind. I’m glad I went down that spiral and I have no regrets. I “lived my best life” during that time and for once I wasn’t pleasing anybody but living my truth.  Yes, I’m not perfect, I don’t have it all together and I’m still figuring out my walk with God but I know that my life belongs to Him and He loves me. My heart belongs to him.

What does it truly mean to give your heart to God?

While I was halfway typing this, my adoptive/ spiritual father was taking his last few breaths in my presence, while I was using my breath to use my gift, he was in the other room honouring God with his life by taking his last few breaths before he could commit his spirit back in the hands of God, the one who created him, who he had made his Lord and Saviour. Despite all the earthly things he indulged in, he was so content with going back home. He recognised that he belonged to God. As painful as it is to deal with pain of losing someone that I loved. I’m inspired to live my life serving God and I find pleasure in giving my heart to him because I know He loves me and is not going to let anything stop him from loving me.

GOD, HAVE MY HEART!!!! I know that I can give you my heart because it belongs to you. I surrender everything to you and I say have your way in my life. Let your will chase me down and overtake any thought, desire or plan that I may have.  I trust you with the rhythm of my heartbeat. God, you can have my heart.

God, change my heart

God, change my heart

Hey family. It’s been a while and I must say I miss writing. I never thought I’d be experiencing writers block so early into my blog but it happened and now I’m back. Blogging for me came so natural. It was just my way of pouring my heart out on “paper” but one of my 2021 goals was to take it more seriously and actually see it as a gift. This caused me to be more intentional about the style of writing and what content I want to put out. The matters of the heart series was supposed to be a reflection of my moments with God but with intentionality comes structure. I had to dig deep and ask myself how will this help my fellow bloggers and readers.

I’ve sat down for weeks struggling to come up with what I wanted to do with part three. “God, change my heart” sounds simple right? All I had to do was pray for God to change my heart. The big question is change it from what? What condition was my heart in? What exactly did I have to ask God to change?

One thing I promised myself at the beginning of my journey was to never open up about my romantic relationships. This part was off limits because it’s the one area that I was bruised the most and God is still working on that area. My heart has been under construction. I’ve learnt to associate love with romance but what is love? Love is God, God is love. If I am an extention of God and his child then it means that I was created by love to love. With this realization came a revelation that my purpose is to love everyone. Now how would God change my heart? He would have to break down the walls I’ve built around my heart. I needed him to teach me to accept his love and allow his love to be the foundation of my being. The Bible says guard your heart but it doesn’t say anything about restricting your heart from doing what it’s meant to do. You see, at my lowest I am love, at my highest I am love. I deserve love, I am worthy of love.

God, change my heart.

Change my heart to love everyone to be kind to others, to extend grace. Change my fears to faith. Work on my heart to be what you intended it to be.

Learning

I had to learn by going through some stuff. I had met someone who showed me my blindspots, he showed me my weaknesses and he showed me that I was filled with more judgment and bitterness than love. He taught me that love is supposed to be unconditional. Before he came along, I had been operating from a place of fear and pain. I pushed people away. I pushed God away. I didn’t give God permission to get close to me and love me. What did I really want? I wanted God to open my heart. I wanted him to give me a pure heart. If he could love me beyond my flaws, then I could reflect that love into the world and use it to light up other hearts drowning in darkness.

God,

change my heart.

Change my heart to serve you and to serve others. Let me not utter the words love without doing love.

Amen.

God, hear my heart

God, hear my heart

After I published God, touch my heart, I had the desire to go through a process with God where he would not only touch my heart but also change it. That’s how I came up with the ‘Matters of the heart’ series. When the new year started off, I decided to draw near to God and make him a priority for the first month, before I can make any plans. In 2020 I started off the same way but as Covid – 19 hit it took a toll on my mental health. For the first half of 2020 I really did have a routine of studying scripture and praying but as my mental health started to deteriorate. I had reached a point in my life where I could no longer pray and read the word because I was in so much pain. God tested my faith in a way that I did not expect. As I took the punch of depression and anxiety, issues started rising in my home . With no way to go turn, I found myself in a place where I’d considered giving up. I found myself back on my knees just begging God to hold me together, as my strength was depleted. In the last month of 2020 God started picking me up and I was well on my way to recovery. I wasn’t even happy that I was getting better but I was so happy that I could get back to praying and be close to God again. Slowly, and each day at a time I started getting back to my routine of praying. I found myself at a place where I started praising God. It was the hardest season I’ve had to endure.
Now let me tell you a story about how powerful prayer is. After my fast, I started to slowly drift away from God. I started pulling back into my sinful ways and I just didn’t have any time to pray and read the word. My spiritual alignment is made up of Atleast, one sermon a week, worship music everyday and prayer every night. The whole of February I’ve been drifting and today I’m at a point where I’m just spiritually dry and there’s no alignment. I miss God. I miss spending time with him. I was busy living in the moment and having fun that I forgot that I can’t afford any distractions. Ive lacked in creating content. A series of events happened where I started to break down and I could feel that this is time to get back to God. You know that awful feeling like you’ve failed God and you’re scared to return to him because of the shame of what you’ve been doing. I took time out today just to reflect on everything and I felt in my heart that was calling for me again to return and repair the broken line of communication so I did the natural thing, where I laid down my heart and I returned to God. I prayed and cried asking God to accept me. I acknowledged that I need him. Nothing was going well in my life. Immediately I played a worship song that I usually listen to when all things around me are falling apart and I know I’ve done wrong. I had to remind myself that God loves me. Soon after that I found a sermon and the title was ‘Acceptance’. It didn’t take long for me to feel God’s presence when I read on the screen of my phone ” I accept you, because you’re mine”. In that moment I knew God heard my prayer and he was accepting me regardless of how badly I messed up and how far away I was from him. I listened to the sermon and I did not expect that word to address everything that I had prayed for. I cried out to God and I surrendered the areas of my life I was trying to control and that I didnt understand.
I had an idea as I was planning the series that the ‘God, hear my heart’ section would be a prayer to God but then it hit me that I should come here and share with you guys the message that God hears our hearts. He knows what’s going on. God is waiting for us to open our mouths and speak. We are his children and he loves us. He would never reject us like the world. He is ready to embrace and accept us back into his loving arms. Today, I came to tell you that God hears what’s on your heart and he will answer you. God can handle anything. Trust him with your hearts desires and pain. If it’s a matter of the heart. Take it to God. Gaurd your heart for life flows from it.

God, touch my heart

God, touch my heart

This morning I woke up and went outside under the trees. I was listening to my favourite worship song by Elevation Worship. In the midst of appreciating nature and life. I felt a sudden touch on my heart. I was trying to listen to God speak. As I looked up at the sky I saw the leaves of the tree move and I felt God saying “I am right here, with you.” Out of nowhere I felt a presence in my heart. I felt God touch my heart. In that moment, every fear and every hurt was removed from my heart. It felt like my heart was made new. The pain was gone. I softly uttered the words” I am healed, in Jesus name.” I felt like God was in me. He was in my heart. It’s in the moments of silence and stillness, that we experience God’s presence. We are halfway through the week and I want you to know whatever you’ve been dealing with, God is with you. Even if your circumstance doesn’t look like it. In the middle of the storm, don’t try to find your way out, simply stand still and stand in awe of God. Peace in the storm is found in Jesus. Lift your hands today and sing a song of praise to God. If you catch me smiling randomly, know that I’m experiencing the peace of God and his joy washes over me. Allow yourself to drown in God’s grace today and surrender everything to him.

Ezekiel 36: 26

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”

Smell the roses

Smell the roses

We often get so got up in life that we forget to pause and smell the roses of where we are in the moment. When it comes to healing, I’ve noticed how the world doesn’t stop spinning for us to just breathe and soak it all in. Let me tell you guys a story of how God put my life on pause in order for me to get the healing that I so desperately needed.


It was two years ago, when  God decided that’s it. My daughter needs to heal. My whole life was put on pause. During my teenage years all the way up until my varsity days and my first year of working my life was filled with constant deadlines. I couldn’t breathe anymore and I felt like I was drowning in grief. I needed to come up for air. I needed to be grounded and drown in God’s grace. Little did I know that things will start falling off and I’d lose almost everything I knew and depended on. I have never taken drugs but the people I had in my life and things I used to do were my “drugs”. I needed my daily dose to get through the day and just make it out alive. My whole life I thought I need to just suck it up and be strong. That’s before I knew that God’s power was made perfect in my weakness and that God’s grace was sufficient. I no longer needed to be strong but surrender my brokenness to God.

In 2018 I had my last dose and that was it for me. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was officially burnt out and I desperately needed God to intervene. I had to be willing to give it all up for God to take first place in my life. I lost the friends, the relationships and the job. In 2019, God decided to put my life on hold so he can spend time with me and so he can repair what was broken. In 2020 he kept me in the same position and did everything in his power to bring me to a place of healing and that’s how I ended up in the hospital. When I dropped out of my honours in 2020 it wasn’t an easy decision to make but it brought me to a place where I would sit at the feet of Jesus. When I did officially break the news at home the question that followed was “what’s next?” I had no idea what was next but I knew that dropping out would have consequences. I knew that would mean that they would cut me off financially and I had to have a plan to be independent. You know the saying that God laughs at our plans? That’s exactly what that moment felt like. On the spot I said that my next plan was to find a job, any job that would not make them doubt my decision. But that wasn’t God’s plan. A month later the news of Corona virus broke out and in a blink we were under lockdown. This obviously made it difficult for me to get a job. The world was put on pause and it was time for me to get the healing I always desired. This was the perfect opportunity for me to breathe and come up from under the water. One day at a time God worked in me and started setting me free from the chains of hurt, grief and emptiness. The process of pursuing wholeness and finding out my purpose and my identity was beginning to take form. 2020 was the most difficult year but it really tested my faith and pushed me closer to God. While people assumed I had no plan for my life they had no idea what God was doing in me. 

Surely God’s grace carried me through the “so what you doing now, what’s your plan, are you looking for a job” questions. I was secretly working the vision that God gave me. The reason I never shared it was because no one would understand. They weren’t there with me when I was on knees begging God to take me out of this season but everytime I went to my prayer closet God spoke to me and told me not to worry but how could I not worry. I was 25 with no job, no husband, no child, no house or car. My YouTube channel wasn’t t growing  for me to get a little income, I hadn’t started the business God told me to start, I had discovered that I suffer from severe depression and anxiety. It seemed like this was it. I was beginning to question God’s will for my life. All those moments I had stepped out on faith led me to a sunken place. I was honestly so tired. I started to question if my cv wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t good enough to be selected for jobs. I started questioning my worth and  if I made the right decision by dropping out. With tears welling up in my eyes and my anxiety about the future starting to rise God gave me a word. He told me to stop and smell the roses of where I am. I had to pause and thank God that I was where I had once wished to be. He told me that on this road I had to take it one step at a time and one day at a time. The most comforting thing he said to me was that he was by my side all the way and he was holding my hand through it all.


Every now and then we need to stop what we’re doing, smell the roses, and be grateful for the life God has given us. We need to be able to pull away from the world and just focus on God. He has so much to say to us. He cares for us and he knows what he’s doing. All we need to do is just trust. This is a call for us to stop relying on our own strengths and bring our weakness to God. So I challenge you this week to take it one step at a time and one day at a time. I pray that your week is filled with showers of blessings and that God’s peace may fall upon you even in times of doubt. God bless you and remember he loves you.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.