Just sometimes

Just sometimes

There are moments I feel lost and I need someone to hold my hand and guide me through the darkness. There are moments I feel I need to be carried just as much as I carry others. Sometimes I desperately need love. There are moments where I feel empty and I need to be poured into. Being the one that constantly pours into the wellbeing of others can sometimes leave you dry. There are moments I feel I’ve poured everything and I need a refill of the same dose. Oh, how I sometimes just question my worth, my existence, my purpose. In moments where I’m alone I ask myself if I have any strength left to carry on. Just any bit of strength to hold on. There are moments where I really don’t want to show up and preach Jesus. Especially when I’m blinded of his goodness. Today, is one of those sometimes. I keep going back in my mind to a time where the sun refused to rise and shine in my world. I sometimes lack the focus and determination to get up and get to work, when I haven’t seen the fruits of the seeds I planted. Just sometimes I dont want to believe and come up against the thoughts of what I see right in front of my eyes. Just sometimes I believe that things will always be this way and I was not born for greatness or softness. What if I’m meant to constantly be in battle?

I just glanced at a picture of myself from the past weekend in a setting that was supposed to be “fun” but all I see is my hidden truths , my pain, my struggles and my scars. You never know what a person is going through and why they make the decisions that they make. Perhaps I didn’t go out to have fun but to escape the reality of the things I’m so tired of doing. Constantly trying to better my life but not seeing results. I guess what I’m trying to say is, just sometimes I’m really tired.

What do I do in these moments?

I for one, will not reach out to someone and bore them with the details of my life, especially when I can’t comprehend what’s really going on.

Seasons change and so am I. I’ve felt a deep sense of transformation happening for the longest time and maybe, just maybe I’m in between the old and the new. I’ve been on this life journey with myself for so long and everytime things change around me it’s evident that the change inside has already happened. Once I arrive somewhere, you will find that my mind was made up a long time ago. As I embrace the changes that are happening around me, I really want to embrace the change on the inside. I’m not the little girl I used to be and just sometimes I will miss her.

Thank God for Jesus. It’s in these moments where I’m grateful for the Holy Spirit. Knowing what Jesus did for me becomes greater than everything that I ever have to go through. When I can remember that Jesus died for me, the confusion during transition bows down with me at his feet. This is where I find my true strength. Not in doing anything but in being me. Realising that the purpose of life is greater than trying to fill my mind and being busy. I just want to focus on centering myself again. In who I really am. I just want to detox and start again. After all, I have been made new by Jesus. Today I choose to begin again. To allow myself to be made new because just sometimes I need it.

It’s a wrap

It’s a wrap

When I started this blog I was on a mission to break free from the prison of my thoughts. My thoughts had been destroying me for many years. When I was in high school I remember how my friends and I used to love reading and eventually started writing poetry. There was a friend of mine who was a poet and she always encouraged me to write and read out my poems to her. As much as creative writing was introduced in the English classroom, she introduced me to a light that was hidden. A lot of my poems were about the pain that my boyfriend at the time caused me and how he made me feel. I would read the poems to her and she would say that they sounded lovely but she also liked how I was able to turn my emotions into art. With all the emotional abuse I went through as a teenager, these poems were a glimpse of the little light that still remained inside of me, this light was the innocence I still had left. I had no idea who I was and who I would become but I knew one thing; I was really special.
I began writing letters to my then boyfriend on my computer while doing my homework. There was a particular letter I wrote that I remember so vividly that I often think about when writing on my blog to remind myself that I can’t allow myself to hold back. If I didn’t release, then these thoughts would continue to take up space in my mind. Do you all remember the “let’s be real, let’s be free” series I hosted here on the blog? It was meant to free you and myself from the prisons we are so comfortable living in. It was meant to help all of us to find our voices and find ourselves in the pain and mess that life threw us into. It was to discover our light, the inner us that was dying to come out, the version of us that the world needed. Since then, I can safely say I found my voice.
How do I know this?
I’ve discovered the light in me and it is in full bloom, or should I say full beam? That light is starting to show. People have more of a positive experience of me and no longer the bitter, sad version of me. I am living in the moment, I’m doing what I love, I found my passion, my creativity is at it’s peak and I actually love and enjoy being with people expressing myself and taking in the moments I share with them.
I guess tapping into something new after all, was worth it. The journey has been amazing. I even got nominated for an African bloggers award under the category ‘wellness’ which is so significant because this was a way to heal my soul and bring healing to you all. I am beyond grateful to God for allowing me to embark on this journey where nothing was hidden. Totally stripped of every layer of lies I had drenched myself in. It’s been a great honour to live my truth and share it with you. I’ve accomplished what I wanted to accomplish with this blog but this is not the end. This is an opportunity to grow and expand. There is a shift in my life and I feel that season 1 of this blog is has come to an end. In order for a new season to begin and old season must end. As we step into season 2, I want to challenge myself to discover more of this world but with a twist. In the meanwhile, let me go talk to God about the direction of this project and what’s next.
Until next time, see you soon.
Jeremiah 29: 11

God, have my heart

God, have my heart

For the past few months I’ve been holding back on completing the ‘matters of the heart’ series because I wanted to fully write about the experience of giving my heart to God. I’ve been thinking of ways that I can take you along the journey.  As I started thinking of ways that I can encourage you to give your hearts to God and why you should. I remembered that my life is a testimony to the transformation that takes place when you make Jesus your Lord and saviour. I will try my best to keep this as short as possible:

Since the beginning of 2021 my goal was to get out of the pit. For those of you that don’t understand what the pit is; it is a dark hole you feel you’re in when you’re dealing with depression and anxiety [ this is not the scientific term for it]. It was just a description I used to make people understand what it feels like to have this crippling illness. 

With several attempts to start all over and be a better version of myself. The first step I had to take was acknowledge my pain, my mess, my weaknesses and mistakes. If God was to work on my heart, I needed to identify what needed change. I won’t go into too much detail about that but I took the time out to reflect and write down the areas in my life that need work. The next step was recognising that I too had to put in the work. There are areas that I needed to change. I wrote and prayed over those weaknesses, and starting looking for ways to make them my strengths.

It all started with making little changes, from my thoughts to little habits that will help me to achieve my goal. With every goal set in motion, there will be obstacles. Life will throw unexpected moments at us. We all need to prepare for a life that we are not prepared for. There is nothing that we can plan that can change the future that has already been established. This is where the process of surrender takes places. Here’s a little story of how the unexpected happened and I wasn’t prepared: at the beginning of the year, I had a vision of how I wanted my year to look like. With another year added to my life, this was another year added to my walk with God and my journey as a Christian. This means that the things I may have struggled with in the past were not going to be a problem anymore. Moving forward in my faith required me to leave certain things behind, including giving up a lifestyle that no longer served me and was holding me back from living this “picture perfect Christian life” that I thought I needed to maintain and to qualify as a Christian, now granted that there is a certain lifestyle that does not represent Jesus, it is important to acknowledge that you need to represent Christ in whatever environment you’re placed in. After the first month of trying to be perfect, all hell broke loose and before I knew it, I was back in the party scene, while still maintaining a relationship with God, that was eventually pushed to the backseat because the honest truth is, you cannot serve two masters. You cannot serve both God and your flesh. One will die and that’s why it is important to not feed the distraction, but rather water what gives you life. During this time, I went through a heartbreak that really pushed me to be selfish and prioritize my own happiness. The adrenaline of doing whatever I wanted to do without caring about the effects it had on the people around me started getting to my head and oh boy, what a drug. It started off as something I needed to do for myself but eventually it became something I needed to stay numb and not go into a pit. With so many attempts to keep my head above water, I had to admit that I was fully back into the party scene and I didn’t feel guilty about it. For the first time in a long time, I felt alive. I felt free, I felt like I was finally done putting on a façade and truly started to live a happy life. Although the partying life has its consequences it broke down walls that I never knew were there. The fear to live out my freedom started to shed off. Yes, scripture does suggest that you need to not abuse your freedom and don’t use it as an excuse to do bad, but rather use your freedom to do good and use it as opportunity to devote your life to God but how could I devote my heart and life to God, if I wasn’t willing to trust him with my life and future. I had no idea what I was doing and I had to come back and return home.  With the events of starting a business, during this difficult time, it taught me to give up what I had in mind for my life and really surrender my life to the already existing plan that God had in mind. I’m glad I went down that spiral and I have no regrets. I “lived my best life” during that time and for once I wasn’t pleasing anybody but living my truth.  Yes, I’m not perfect, I don’t have it all together and I’m still figuring out my walk with God but I know that my life belongs to Him and He loves me. My heart belongs to him.

What does it truly mean to give your heart to God?

While I was halfway typing this, my adoptive/ spiritual father was taking his last few breaths in my presence, while I was using my breath to use my gift, he was in the other room honouring God with his life by taking his last few breaths before he could commit his spirit back in the hands of God, the one who created him, who he had made his Lord and Saviour. Despite all the earthly things he indulged in, he was so content with going back home. He recognised that he belonged to God. As painful as it is to deal with pain of losing someone that I loved. I’m inspired to live my life serving God and I find pleasure in giving my heart to him because I know He loves me and is not going to let anything stop him from loving me.

GOD, HAVE MY HEART!!!! I know that I can give you my heart because it belongs to you. I surrender everything to you and I say have your way in my life. Let your will chase me down and overtake any thought, desire or plan that I may have.  I trust you with the rhythm of my heartbeat. God, you can have my heart.

God, change my heart

God, change my heart

Hey family. It’s been a while and I must say I miss writing. I never thought I’d be experiencing writers block so early into my blog but it happened and now I’m back. Blogging for me came so natural. It was just my way of pouring my heart out on “paper” but one of my 2021 goals was to take it more seriously and actually see it as a gift. This caused me to be more intentional about the style of writing and what content I want to put out. The matters of the heart series was supposed to be a reflection of my moments with God but with intentionality comes structure. I had to dig deep and ask myself how will this help my fellow bloggers and readers.

I’ve sat down for weeks struggling to come up with what I wanted to do with part three. “God, change my heart” sounds simple right? All I had to do was pray for God to change my heart. The big question is change it from what? What condition was my heart in? What exactly did I have to ask God to change?

One thing I promised myself at the beginning of my journey was to never open up about my romantic relationships. This part was off limits because it’s the one area that I was bruised the most and God is still working on that area. My heart has been under construction. I’ve learnt to associate love with romance but what is love? Love is God, God is love. If I am an extention of God and his child then it means that I was created by love to love. With this realization came a revelation that my purpose is to love everyone. Now how would God change my heart? He would have to break down the walls I’ve built around my heart. I needed him to teach me to accept his love and allow his love to be the foundation of my being. The Bible says guard your heart but it doesn’t say anything about restricting your heart from doing what it’s meant to do. You see, at my lowest I am love, at my highest I am love. I deserve love, I am worthy of love.

God, change my heart.

Change my heart to love everyone to be kind to others, to extend grace. Change my fears to faith. Work on my heart to be what you intended it to be.

Learning

I had to learn by going through some stuff. I had met someone who showed me my blindspots, he showed me my weaknesses and he showed me that I was filled with more judgment and bitterness than love. He taught me that love is supposed to be unconditional. Before he came along, I had been operating from a place of fear and pain. I pushed people away. I pushed God away. I didn’t give God permission to get close to me and love me. What did I really want? I wanted God to open my heart. I wanted him to give me a pure heart. If he could love me beyond my flaws, then I could reflect that love into the world and use it to light up other hearts drowning in darkness.

God,

change my heart.

Change my heart to serve you and to serve others. Let me not utter the words love without doing love.

Amen.

God, hear my heart

God, hear my heart

After I published God, touch my heart, I had the desire to go through a process with God where he would not only touch my heart but also change it. That’s how I came up with the ‘Matters of the heart’ series. When the new year started off, I decided to draw near to God and make him a priority for the first month, before I can make any plans. In 2020 I started off the same way but as Covid – 19 hit it took a toll on my mental health. For the first half of 2020 I really did have a routine of studying scripture and praying but as my mental health started to deteriorate. I had reached a point in my life where I could no longer pray and read the word because I was in so much pain. God tested my faith in a way that I did not expect. As I took the punch of depression and anxiety, issues started rising in my home . With no way to go turn, I found myself in a place where I’d considered giving up. I found myself back on my knees just begging God to hold me together, as my strength was depleted. In the last month of 2020 God started picking me up and I was well on my way to recovery. I wasn’t even happy that I was getting better but I was so happy that I could get back to praying and be close to God again. Slowly, and each day at a time I started getting back to my routine of praying. I found myself at a place where I started praising God. It was the hardest season I’ve had to endure.
Now let me tell you a story about how powerful prayer is. After my fast, I started to slowly drift away from God. I started pulling back into my sinful ways and I just didn’t have any time to pray and read the word. My spiritual alignment is made up of Atleast, one sermon a week, worship music everyday and prayer every night. The whole of February I’ve been drifting and today I’m at a point where I’m just spiritually dry and there’s no alignment. I miss God. I miss spending time with him. I was busy living in the moment and having fun that I forgot that I can’t afford any distractions. Ive lacked in creating content. A series of events happened where I started to break down and I could feel that this is time to get back to God. You know that awful feeling like you’ve failed God and you’re scared to return to him because of the shame of what you’ve been doing. I took time out today just to reflect on everything and I felt in my heart that was calling for me again to return and repair the broken line of communication so I did the natural thing, where I laid down my heart and I returned to God. I prayed and cried asking God to accept me. I acknowledged that I need him. Nothing was going well in my life. Immediately I played a worship song that I usually listen to when all things around me are falling apart and I know I’ve done wrong. I had to remind myself that God loves me. Soon after that I found a sermon and the title was ‘Acceptance’. It didn’t take long for me to feel God’s presence when I read on the screen of my phone ” I accept you, because you’re mine”. In that moment I knew God heard my prayer and he was accepting me regardless of how badly I messed up and how far away I was from him. I listened to the sermon and I did not expect that word to address everything that I had prayed for. I cried out to God and I surrendered the areas of my life I was trying to control and that I didnt understand.
I had an idea as I was planning the series that the ‘God, hear my heart’ section would be a prayer to God but then it hit me that I should come here and share with you guys the message that God hears our hearts. He knows what’s going on. God is waiting for us to open our mouths and speak. We are his children and he loves us. He would never reject us like the world. He is ready to embrace and accept us back into his loving arms. Today, I came to tell you that God hears what’s on your heart and he will answer you. God can handle anything. Trust him with your hearts desires and pain. If it’s a matter of the heart. Take it to God. Gaurd your heart for life flows from it.