There are moments I feel lost and I need someone to hold my hand and guide me through the darkness. There are moments I feel I need to be carried just as much as I carry others. Sometimes I desperately need love. There are moments where I feel empty and I need to be poured into. Being the one that constantly pours into the wellbeing of others can sometimes leave you dry. There are moments I feel I’ve poured everything and I need a refill of the same dose. Oh, how I sometimes just question my worth, my existence, my purpose. In moments where I’m alone I ask myself if I have any strength left to carry on. Just any bit of strength to hold on. There are moments where I really don’t want to show up and preach Jesus. Especially when I’m blinded of his goodness. Today, is one of those sometimes. I keep going back in my mind to a time where the sun refused to rise and shine in my world. I sometimes lack the focus and determination to get up and get to work, when I haven’t seen the fruits of the seeds I planted. Just sometimes I dont want to believe and come up against the thoughts of what I see right in front of my eyes. Just sometimes I believe that things will always be this way and I was not born for greatness or softness. What if I’m meant to constantly be in battle?
I just glanced at a picture of myself from the past weekend in a setting that was supposed to be “fun” but all I see is my hidden truths , my pain, my struggles and my scars. You never know what a person is going through and why they make the decisions that they make. Perhaps I didn’t go out to have fun but to escape the reality of the things I’m so tired of doing. Constantly trying to better my life but not seeing results. I guess what I’m trying to say is, just sometimes I’m really tired.
What do I do in these moments?
I for one, will not reach out to someone and bore them with the details of my life, especially when I can’t comprehend what’s really going on.
Seasons change and so am I. I’ve felt a deep sense of transformation happening for the longest time and maybe, just maybe I’m in between the old and the new. I’ve been on this life journey with myself for so long and everytime things change around me it’s evident that the change inside has already happened. Once I arrive somewhere, you will find that my mind was made up a long time ago. As I embrace the changes that are happening around me, I really want to embrace the change on the inside. I’m not the little girl I used to be and just sometimes I will miss her.
Thank God for Jesus. It’s in these moments where I’m grateful for the Holy Spirit. Knowing what Jesus did for me becomes greater than everything that I ever have to go through. When I can remember that Jesus died for me, the confusion during transition bows down with me at his feet. This is where I find my true strength. Not in doing anything but in being me. Realising that the purpose of life is greater than trying to fill my mind and being busy. I just want to focus on centering myself again. In who I really am. I just want to detox and start again. After all, I have been made new by Jesus. Today I choose to begin again. To allow myself to be made new because just sometimes I need it.