God, have my heart

God, have my heart

For the past few months I’ve been holding back on completing the ‘matters of the heart’ series because I wanted to fully write about the experience of giving my heart to God. I’ve been thinking of ways that I can take you along the journey.  As I started thinking of ways that I can encourage you to give your hearts to God and why you should. I remembered that my life is a testimony to the transformation that takes place when you make Jesus your Lord and saviour. I will try my best to keep this as short as possible:

Since the beginning of 2021 my goal was to get out of the pit. For those of you that don’t understand what the pit is; it is a dark hole you feel you’re in when you’re dealing with depression and anxiety [ this is not the scientific term for it]. It was just a description I used to make people understand what it feels like to have this crippling illness. 

With several attempts to start all over and be a better version of myself. The first step I had to take was acknowledge my pain, my mess, my weaknesses and mistakes. If God was to work on my heart, I needed to identify what needed change. I won’t go into too much detail about that but I took the time out to reflect and write down the areas in my life that need work. The next step was recognising that I too had to put in the work. There are areas that I needed to change. I wrote and prayed over those weaknesses, and starting looking for ways to make them my strengths.

It all started with making little changes, from my thoughts to little habits that will help me to achieve my goal. With every goal set in motion, there will be obstacles. Life will throw unexpected moments at us. We all need to prepare for a life that we are not prepared for. There is nothing that we can plan that can change the future that has already been established. This is where the process of surrender takes places. Here’s a little story of how the unexpected happened and I wasn’t prepared: at the beginning of the year, I had a vision of how I wanted my year to look like. With another year added to my life, this was another year added to my walk with God and my journey as a Christian. This means that the things I may have struggled with in the past were not going to be a problem anymore. Moving forward in my faith required me to leave certain things behind, including giving up a lifestyle that no longer served me and was holding me back from living this “picture perfect Christian life” that I thought I needed to maintain and to qualify as a Christian, now granted that there is a certain lifestyle that does not represent Jesus, it is important to acknowledge that you need to represent Christ in whatever environment you’re placed in. After the first month of trying to be perfect, all hell broke loose and before I knew it, I was back in the party scene, while still maintaining a relationship with God, that was eventually pushed to the backseat because the honest truth is, you cannot serve two masters. You cannot serve both God and your flesh. One will die and that’s why it is important to not feed the distraction, but rather water what gives you life. During this time, I went through a heartbreak that really pushed me to be selfish and prioritize my own happiness. The adrenaline of doing whatever I wanted to do without caring about the effects it had on the people around me started getting to my head and oh boy, what a drug. It started off as something I needed to do for myself but eventually it became something I needed to stay numb and not go into a pit. With so many attempts to keep my head above water, I had to admit that I was fully back into the party scene and I didn’t feel guilty about it. For the first time in a long time, I felt alive. I felt free, I felt like I was finally done putting on a façade and truly started to live a happy life. Although the partying life has its consequences it broke down walls that I never knew were there. The fear to live out my freedom started to shed off. Yes, scripture does suggest that you need to not abuse your freedom and don’t use it as an excuse to do bad, but rather use your freedom to do good and use it as opportunity to devote your life to God but how could I devote my heart and life to God, if I wasn’t willing to trust him with my life and future. I had no idea what I was doing and I had to come back and return home.  With the events of starting a business, during this difficult time, it taught me to give up what I had in mind for my life and really surrender my life to the already existing plan that God had in mind. I’m glad I went down that spiral and I have no regrets. I “lived my best life” during that time and for once I wasn’t pleasing anybody but living my truth.  Yes, I’m not perfect, I don’t have it all together and I’m still figuring out my walk with God but I know that my life belongs to Him and He loves me. My heart belongs to him.

What does it truly mean to give your heart to God?

While I was halfway typing this, my adoptive/ spiritual father was taking his last few breaths in my presence, while I was using my breath to use my gift, he was in the other room honouring God with his life by taking his last few breaths before he could commit his spirit back in the hands of God, the one who created him, who he had made his Lord and Saviour. Despite all the earthly things he indulged in, he was so content with going back home. He recognised that he belonged to God. As painful as it is to deal with pain of losing someone that I loved. I’m inspired to live my life serving God and I find pleasure in giving my heart to him because I know He loves me and is not going to let anything stop him from loving me.

GOD, HAVE MY HEART!!!! I know that I can give you my heart because it belongs to you. I surrender everything to you and I say have your way in my life. Let your will chase me down and overtake any thought, desire or plan that I may have.  I trust you with the rhythm of my heartbeat. God, you can have my heart.

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