Happy new year everyone and welcome to 2021. Welcome to the crossover baby!!! Thank you Jesus.
I’ve been taking time just to clear everything and just reboot. Can I just be honest? The new year did not come with a new me, new attitude, new thoughts. No, I came into 2021 with the burdens and the scars from 2020. I came into the year with my old-self. I opened my eyes on the 1st of January and I realised I still have a lot of work to do internally. Same ol’ tears, same old problems. I’ve been trying to figure out how im going to navigate out of this rut that I’m in and it wasn’t until Pastor Sarah Jakes Roberts put out a live video titled “change is messy”. It was in that moment that I knew I had to follow her ministry in the year 2021 because it ministered to my life as it is now. Before that live I had no courage or the characters to describe how messy transformation is. The phase from old to new is hard and often messy. You guaranteed moments of falling off and starting over and over again. It’s very important to let go of the idea of perfection in your walk of salvation. It’s all about progress. Even if you’re not where you would like to be in your walk with Christ, if you pause and take a look back. You’ve made progress.
In an attempt to be a new me in this new year work has to be done. Working on my prayer and devotional life. I have to work on my mindset. I have to work on the issues of my heart. I still have to go to therapy and take my medication. I still need to be intentional about my self care routine. I have to gaurd my heart from the things of this world. I have to walk in the spirit and walk in love. I have to live a life of love. I have to treat others with kindness and patience. I have to forgive myself and accept my past. I want to see the new things that God is doing in my life but God doesn’t put new wine in old wine skins. That’s it. I can achieve all of this if I work with Jesus and I let him lead my life and I give my time to him and let go of the old. I can achieve this by trusting God wholeheartedly and finally surrendering all areas of my life to him. I want God to pour his new wine into my wine skin but I have to do the work to change the wine skin.
I know you’re probably reading this and thinking “woah so much work” but to be honest I’m just continuing from the seeds I planted in 2020. I rested and planted seeds of healing and transformation. I was often so frustrated that I didn’t see change but when you plant a seed. You wait for harvest time. You watch the rain fall and watch the winds blow, but the crop is still growing under ground. I’m hoping that with the breath God gave me I still have time on earth to see a harvest. I’m willing to put in the work to see my body, mind and heart transform. If I want to see a healthier version of me I need to eat healthy and work out, read books, pray and give to others.
I’m aware of all the work I need to put in but let’s talk about now. We are 7 days into the new year and I’m feeling burntout, discouraged, demotivated, hopeless, uncertain of the future, confused and all around losing my faith day day by day. I have no clarity in certain things I’ve brought to God. I’m not even sure I hear from God anymore, well Atleast I don’t think I hear right. I went through a series of disappointment in 2020. Right up until the 31st. Doors were slammed in my face, I was rejected. I still carry the scars of all that disappointment. What do I do now? Cry? I did all of that and I don’t think I have anymore tears left. Pray? Chile what prayer haven’t I prayed. I haven’t started writing down my goals for the year because I don’t know how to let go of the hurt and welcome the new. God says “behold I am doing a new thing, do you not perceive it?” and all I can say is where?? Direct me to the new, open my eyes, heart and mind to the new. Lord lead me to the place of newness and life because right now I’m surrounded by death. The death of my dreams, my hope, my strength and my confidence in you. I am shattered. My word for 2021 is live slow and still. I want to live so slow and not chace after anything in this world so I can recieve a word from God. I want to move slow so I can catch a word from God, I want to move slow so I can focus on what’s important, I want to be still so I can see this newness that God is talking about.
I’m willing to stand up again and start making room. In 2020 he told me to make room and in 2021 I clear out. It’s time for that depression to move out because it’s in the place of my happiness and stability. I’m making room for Jesus to come into my life and lead me to a life of destiny. I’m going to fill my mind with the things of Christ so I can think positively and have joy and be content in whatever season I’m in.
But for now I’m going to stay in this place until Jesus comes through and tells me to throw my mat away and get up and start walking. I’m not doing this without him. That’s all I know. I’m way in too deep to back out now. I gave up everything to follow him and I’m not turning back.
John 5:6-9 TPT
When Jesus saw him lying there, he knew that the man had been crippled for a long time. So Jesus said to him, “Do you truly long to be healed?” The sick man answered him, “Sir, there’s no way I can get healed, for I have no one who will lower me into the water when the angel comes. As soon as I try to crawl to the edge of the pool, someone else jumps in ahead of me.” Then Jesus said to him, “Stand up! Pick up your sleeping mat and you will walk!” Immediately he stood up—he was healed! So he rolled up his mat and walked again! Now this miracle took place on the Jewish Sabbath.