He loves me, he loves me not. My childhood was filled with moments where we would steal roses and take one petal off at a time chanting “he loves, he loves me not” I remember so vividly how the last petal would be a determining factor and basically the final decision of whether someone loves you or not. It was a really interesting time.
In this case the last rose petal dropped to the ground and echoed “he loves me not” (jaw drop).
It’s not that I wasn’t pretty enough, because I’m beautiful, its not that I’m not smart enough, I’m brilliant, its not that I wasn’t skinny enough or “thick” enough, my body is just right. It’s not that I’m difficult to love, yes I come with a side of trouble but who doesn’t?
You failing to love me has nothing to do with me but everything to do with your inability to love me. I keep begging you to love me when I’m asking for something that you don’t have.
I look back at how much I tried to change for you. You know “be better for you”. Be more fitting. It didn’t matter how much I changed my hair, how much a dressed up or how I tried to put on make up just so you could recognise that I’m putting in effort to show you how fitting we are for each other.
Everything I did turned you further away from me.
At first I thought it was infatuation so I was subtle about how my heart beat faster when I was around you or how my heart skipped a beat everytime you gazed into my eyes. I was never really good with eye contact but for the first time in my life I could look into someone’s eyes and not be afraid of them seeing my hurt and my scars. I wanted you to see me. My brokennes, my mess, my scars but also how big my heart was, I wanted you to see the good side of me too. The part where you would see my compassion and love,my passion, the Beauty in me and the parts of me that were not covered by mud. I wanted you to see the God that lives in me, the one that came and changed my life.
I knew it was love when I started praying for you on bended knee and how I would put you first before myself in my prayer closet. I would talk to God about you and I’d always pray for your susscess and for him to lift you up. Even when you were down I was persistent in my prayers for God to turn things around for you. Oh boy, if only you knew how my prayers have lifted you. I look at where you are today and I can’t help but think of how faithful God is and how he listens to our prayers.
I could be sinking but as long as you’re floating. Nothing else really mattered. It’s only now when I’m sinking so much that I needed you to just give out your hand just to keep my head above water. It’s now when I’m in a sunken place that I needed you to just pray that God would elevate me. I needed love to bring me back from under the water but even that was too much for you to do. Even if it was just for a little while. It’s in that moment that I realised you had no desire to love me. You had no love to offer me because it just wasn’t inside of you to love me.
I was mad at myself for searching for love in dry places when God gives me a fountain of love. There are days I’ve pulled out just enough out of you to convince myself that underneath all that, you could find it in your heart to love me. You pushed me away when all I needed was a friend. It’s when you refused to be my friend that my heart started to ache. So much rejection from the person who constantly convinces me that he’s here to stay and he’s going nowhere. I needed my friend. You know? The one I had at the beginning. The one who cared for me and carried me with grace, the one that shared his life with me and took time to make sure I was always good. I wonder what happened to that version of you. The one that shared your goals with me and your dreams. The one who would always laugh with me and got my jokes. The one who would see a missed call from me and call me back in a heartbeat. The one who used to call me for hours on the phone. You crept into my life, my heart and my being so much so that I was grateful that God had made us cross paths. A new version of me came out and it was undeniable that I was a force. There was a confidence I had when God brought you into my life. A version of me that I had never met before. It tore me apart when you started turning cold. I begged you to tell me what it was, but even you said you don’t know what it is. I think you know but you’re afraid to hurt me, not knowing you’ve done the damage already. As God is taking you out of my life, I’m realising that I never really knew my worth and I wasn’t bold enough to walk away because I knew I deserved way better. I’m going to start again with this self – love journey and make sure that my worth is not put in the backseat anymore. I want to hate you so bad, but my loving father has filled me up with so much love that I’m even grateful I got the chance to pour into you. I want to be mad at you so much so that I want to punch you, but my heart has forgiven you. I have to surrender you back to God. You don’t belong to me. I’ll free you on the conditions that I come first to myself and I know I’m worthy and I have the right to protect my peace. You were a sweet dream, so close to my reality that I didn’t realise I was dreaming. You’re so far away now. I miss you but boy you were all just a fantasy. If you ever come across this, know my heart soars with love for you and it’s still full to the brim. It may not last forever, or maybe it will but I have to pour some of that love back into myself. I love you , but I’ve got to love me more.