Learning your patterns.
I’m not really open about my depression but in this season of my life I’ve been feeling rather different. I’ve been living inside my mind, I haven’t been present and in the moment, I have major fatigue, I am so forgetful and of course insomnia. I am so absent minded. Ive been isolating myself and shutting everyone out but just last night when something so silly happened that when I sat down I was like this behaviour is so familiar. It hit me in that moment that these are all the symptoms of depression that some people may overlook because they think depression is just a deep never ending sadness. How do I know this? Because I took time to learn my patterns and my triggers. I’ve been on this road before. I’m not the type to ask for help because I think I’m a self cleaning oven (which is totally false). But I have learnt to manage my depression. When things get out of hand I give it to God. He healed me before and I know he can do it again. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders when I told God that my biggest fear just happened. Experiencing depression again when I healed was my biggest fear because the first time it almost took me out and I thought if I go back to that dark, deep pit il never survive but what I didn’t know is that God had made me stronger. Admitting that I’m in a season of depression is probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do because I thought I was done with it. I’m honestly grateful that now I don’t need to fight it on my own. I understand the battle isn’t mine and God is standing in front of me fighting for me. There’s so much peace in knowing I can rest in his presence. I feel so much better knowing I don’t have to hide my pain because I’m literally in the palm of his hands and I know no devil can touch me and nothing can snatch me from him. How powerful is it that God’s grace and presence surrounds us and protects us from all evil. I used to be ashamed of this illness that makes me feel like I’m invisible and powerless but I’m not backing down this time. I’m so much stronger in my heart and in my mind. It’s funny because the word God gave my pastor at the beginning of the year was stronger. God prophesied that this would be the year we will get stronger emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. You might not feel it but as long as you know it. I’m fighting an ugly illness that has been a part of my identity for the longest time but I’m learning that it does not define who I am. When the one who is clean touches the one who is unclean he that is unclean becomes clean. That’s who I am. HEALED INTHE NAME OF JESUS BECAUSE THAT IS WHO I AM IN CHRIST. I think I like me better with Jesus. He makes me bold and strong.
My hope is for you guys to learn your patterns and remember God can’t heal what you pretend to be. Learn the patterns of your behaviours so you can know the root of them so you can get the full healing. Cast all that anxiety at the feet of Jesus. As I was praying God reminded me of Psalm 139. That’s the scripture for this week. Hope you have a lovely week and don’t forget God loves you.