If you’re a 90s baby then you must know runaway love by Ludacris. Although I don’t know why we jammed so hard to that song, I will just assume that we all could relate somehow. Maybe, we too were broken and the song served as an escape.
(inserts lyrics)- “Yeah, I can only imagine
What you going through, ladies
Sometimes I feel like running away myself
So do me a favor right now
And close your eyes, and picture us running away together
And when we come back, everything is going to be okay
Open your eyes”
You guys know by now that I don’t share my story for you guys to feel sorry for me or for you to say she’s just as broken as the rest of us. No. I share my story to share light and to help you reach closer to freedom and God. This story is hard to even put into characters but I will try my best to tell it as best as I can.
If you’ve read any of my other blog posts, you will see that nothing is off limits, from childhood trauma to my most embarrassing moments in life. The natural reaction to everything I had been through is to run away from it. I had tried on many occasions to run away from my truth to the extent of committing suicide but even that made me realise that I wouldn’t be escaping any of my problems but I would die with all of them. I was determined to find a new story for myself but I didn’t even know where to start. What do you do when you’ve got all this shame? You’re probably saying, well you run and hide from it, but let me tell you something. You can’t escape God. How do I know this? Let’s examine the life of Moses. He did something terrible, tried to cover it up and once it was exposed he ran away. He tried to run away from his problem and he started a new life where his truth wasn’t known but God brought him back to that place and used him to deliver God’s people. Let me tell you how my plan was to graduate from university and leave South Africa. My plan was simple. I would get my degree and go overseas. The opportunity was there so why not. Ultimately I made it look like my dream but I knew I just wanted to start a new life where nobody knew my truth. I would just start a new story and in hopes that when I return (maybe) people would only mention my new story and not the past.
In my final year I was met with an opportunity to work overseas. Who wouldn’t like that thou? The experience, the exploring, the learning? It just sounded like an ideal life. Plus I would be earning way more money than I would working here. I had told myself that this success story would cover up everything else that I had gone through and the failures that I encountered. Moving forward with the plan I obviously had to present to the family so they could fund my dream and obviously align with my plan but every time I brought it up, the idea would get shut down. I was even asked once, why do I want to leave so badly and why now, why not wait till I’m older and stable financially to go on and do whatever I want to do, why was there a sudden change in my career and I was asked what exactly am I running away from. So if you don’t know by now, I was raised by my sister and when she asked me this question I was furious because she didn’t even know half the things I was going through. Could she see right through me? I wanted to even tell her, “well I’m really running away from you and it’s for this exact reason, because you are refusing for me to go. I know you don’t want me to achieve my dreams” although I did say something similar to that I just know that I would guilt trip her and make everyone believe that she didn’t care about my dreams and she didn’t want me to live out my life the way I want it to be. I still don’t have the answers as to why she would block me and I’m still bitter about her not letting me go but I also see how God used her to protect me. I don’t like to admit it though and don’t you dare let her know. We’re in the middle of a pandemic and with us being on lockdown and with a virus that’s really put our lives on hold, I think it’s a good time to tell you that my plans never worked out. But I’m learning that life doesn’t always go as planned. Especially when God has his hand over your life and your plans lead to destruction. Not only did my plan not work but my life turned out to be the complete opposite of what I had hoped for. I was forced to be in a position of facing my truth, but not only that, I would have to sit and share my truth with people. Some of which, have no clue of who I am outside of the stories I’ve told them here on this platform. God proved to me that rejection is protection. This virus is affecting the whole world and I can’t imagine how I would survive on the other side of the world by myself. God knew this would happen and I probably wouldn’t be able to get through this on my own. I was mad at God for some time until he let me know that everything he does is for our good (Romans 8:28). I had to make peace with the fact that my plan didn’t work out and just forgive God (yes, I said forgive God) and move on from where I am. Unlike Moses I got to stay in the place that birthed my problems and I had to face it and fight with all that I had. I had to make peace with the ugly parts of my story and own up to them, accept them but also hold on to the grace that’s been given to me through Jesus Christ . I’m so thankful for him. He offered me a way out without running away. He let me know that if I stood in my truth long enough God would use it to turn my life around and give me a new life. God really placed me where he would touch me the most and I’m not mad. He met me right here in my pain, in my brokenness and in my confusion but he didn’t just leave me here. He gave me hope, love, peace and joy. He gave me a new life and now that I know through his word that the old me has passed away and the new me has come (Colossians 3: 1-3) I can fully enjoy and embrace the new creation that I am. I am not my pain or my mistakes. Jesus took care of that on the cross and now I’m free. I won’t lie. It was a painful process facing my truth and shedding off the old. There’s still alot of unlearning and learning to do but I’m so grateful to God for how he used my experience to bring light and how he’s using me and will continue to use me.
Next time your plans don’t go as planned, I dare you to go down on your knees and ask the Father to reveal the plans he has for you. He has a plan and his plan is way better than ours. One thing you can be sure of is that you can trust God with every detail of your life. You can trust him with the condition of your life no matter how bad it is. I mean he did raise Lazarus from the dead (John 11). after he had been buried for 4 days imagine how bad it was. The word says there was even a bad smell but Jesus doesn’t care. He will still raise you up. Trust him with your brokenss and darkness and he will turn it to light. Open up your hearts to God and just trust him. He will turn it around. My life is proof that nothing is too hard for God and that the very thing you think is working against you is actually working for you.
“I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for. Then you will call to me. You will come and pray to me, and I will answer you.”