A few days ago I was doing a hilarious throwback of my “fun drinking days” by posting on my status but it didn’t take long for me to look back and be concerned. My one friend jokingly said while responding to the pictures “Do people even know how much you used to drink?”. We laughed about it but then my smile quickly faded because I realised that I was hiding my brokenness and trying to heal myself with what is known as just having fun. Any chance I would get to numb the pain and forget my insecurities I did so with alcohol.
I had spent my highschool years masking my pain and trying to cover up anything that made me different from people or even just protecting myself from the comments that people would have about my life. At some point I was really good at just pretending my life was normal. I had even convinced myself that nothing was wrong with me. Experiencing loss of a parent at a young age really left me vulnerable, empty and left me questioning my whole existence. I wasn’t prepared to live a life of constant pain and confusion but that whole experience really shaped who I am and even gave birth to the version of me that people saw but I didn’t see. To some people I was a hero because they would always say “I don’t know how you do it. You’re so strong. I would die and not know what to do with myself if I had lost my mother”. It was bold of them to even assume that I was surviving . I was just as lost and weak as their description. I didn’t see this strength they were talking about because I really was living life on what was remaining of me, which were the broken pieces of my heart.
Being out on my own in university would reveal my brokenness. Here I was finding out who I am all on my own. I was exposed to freedom and all kinds of different ideas. I don’t know if it’s safe to say this but I WAS A MESS in varsity. I was being dragged through the mud. It’s something that I laugh about at times but now I look back and I realise that it was at that point that I could no longer pretend. The real me was coming out. There was no hiding. The results of living with brokenness started to show in every decision I made. I would find myself in the most messy complicated situations mixed with drunkenness.
I’m not ashamed of what I went through because this is the same place that I found God. This was my burning bush experience. If it wasn’t for all of that I would have never been bold enough to know who God is. Every time I fell, God was there to pick me up. Grace cleaned up after me and every single day God was THERE WITH ME. The whole enitre time he was watching me and protecting me. He loved me even when I used to pray that he would take my life, he loved me when I was under pressure at school and I was overwhelmed, he loved me when I was so stressed and I drank myself to destruction, he loved me when I put my hands up in worship, he loved me when I tried to pray but the tears would flow down my face, he loved me in my rejoicing. He simply loved me back to life. I thought I was there for school but I was wrong. God had planned to meet with me there because he knew he would get my attention there. It’s not a coincidence that I majored in psychology. When I made the decision to go study that, it was really God leading me to the place that would initiate my healing. Studying psychology really opened the door to my healing process. It made me discover alot about myself. I became curious and all I wanted was to know more. I had to confront my reality and as time went by I started accepting myself. I didn’t yet own up to my life story but I knew that God was my foundation. Battling with depression and anxiety while maintaining a social life and still show up in my academics was such a mission. Everyday I wanted to give up but also inspired that one day I would get to help people just like me. That was my initial plan. To be to other people what I needed. Unfortunately with me, I was judged, mistreated and cancelled by people I thought would carry my heart with care. I was fragile and I thought people would see that and just want to care for me. I’m glad I didn’t because I would have depended on them and not on God. God’s light now shines through my cracks and he fills me up. I am healed and completely free. Lol now I can have a drink to celebrate and have fun and not to medicate myself. That’s God’s job. I can’t rely on something that didn’t create me to make me whole. God makes us whole
It really doesn’t help hiding from your truth and your pain. It’s more work to pretend than it is to just tell your truth. You gain nothing by carrying a load that belongs at the feet of Jesus. Cast all your burdens unto Jesus and be true to yourself. Seek help if you need it but don’t pretend the brokeness doesn’t exist. If you want healing to happen you need to be willing to open up and be honest with God and those around you. I just want you all to be set free and experience God on a deeper level. He is for you and he is there with you ALWAYS. He will never turn away from you. He cares about you and loves you. God turned my pain into purpose. I would have never been able to do that. He orchestrated my encounter with him. I found my God when I lost myself. Can you trust God enough with all your brokenness? I dare you to seek him in the places where your soul aches the most.
Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable.