Lately I’ve been thinking about the girl I used to be in highschool and although I know that person was a reflection of not being able to breathe and heal, because the world never stopped for me to process all my hurt and I was never given time to just come up from under the water, to catch a break.
I am confronted by reminder of how oppresed I was as a teenage girl. I remember this particular incident where I got beaten and immediately after that I took a bath. I remember so clearly how I sat in that bath tub telling myself that this is it.
Unaware of what mental illness was and with no information of what my symptoms were. I would just go down in the water with my head and try to see if I could drown myself to death. That was followed by a very angry parent that had walked in and said; and il never forget. ” kill yourself, you’ll be doing me a favour.”(to be fair she had no idea what depression is and she thought it was just teenage behaviour, she’s not a horrible person so I forgive her).
At the time I would come up for air and tell myself that I will never give someone that satisfaction. I wasn’t doing this for them to feel bad but I just had enough. The rest of my highschool years was a routine of figuring out how to end the pain and inflicting pain on myself.
I used to secretly cut myself on my arms every night and wake up the next day as if nothing happened but still carrying the shame by hiding with my school blazer and jersey. Now here’s what’s really entertaining me right now: I was the girl at school that made people laugh and happy and it was my mission to make people feel loved and that they matter. I was also the girl that laughed till I cried. I was happy on the outside but battling every day on the inside.
The reason I came to write about this is because I’m sitting and I noticed the two remaining scars on my arms from when I used to cut myself. They are barely noticeable and I’m the only one that knows about them. Before you feel sorry for me , I’m not feeling sad at all. I’ve taken the journey of healing and I’m at peace with everything. I am at a place where I have an outpouring of joy. I’ve also got a clear understanding of why I was the way I was. I am learning to love that little girl and I have so much sympathy for her. She had faced many storms and has been to the darkest of corners and yet she’s still so brave and is still so warm. Sure it was alot for her to handle at her age but damn, she’s a warrior. I’m so proud of her. I’m proud of her for trying her best with what she had.
Back to you now : How many scars are you hiding that you’re the only one that knows about them and you’re sitting in shame? What things do you still need to confront in the past so you can move on and live the life you deserve? Have you completely healed? If not then say this prayer: Lord, please search the inner most parts of me and remove anything that doesn’t look like you, please hold my hand as I go through the journey of healing so I could be a better version of myself. I admit that I am afraid to face things I may not be ready to face but I am tired of living in bondage and in fear and repeating old patterns. I believe Jesus came so that I may have life in abundance and so I could live victoriously, winning in all areas of my life that I may become the person that reaches my potential. I want to live a life of joy, happiness, peace, unconditional love and safety. Thank you for never giving up on me and thank you for loving me the way I am.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.